


Where the Sun Burns the Brightest

by Kingless



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Idols, Canon Compliant, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Growing Up, Light Angst, M/M, Making Up, Marriage, Romance, Slow Burn, Smut, Weddings, bros before hoes but also hoes before bros, does it count if your hoe is also your bro and vice versa, post Seventeen, sorry for any character innacuracies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:21:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25565800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kingless/pseuds/Kingless
Summary: “The moments where you're so happy that it doesn't feel real, that’s when the sun burns the brightest.”It’s been three years since Seventeen disbanded, three years since the fight that pushed Seungkwan to put distance between himself and his closest friends. A lot has happened since, but after a night of terrible drinking to celebrate the end of his entertainment contract Seungkwan decides to reconnect with his old bandmates.It’s nice to see everyone again, especially with a wedding fast approaching, but he has to face the mess he’s left behind to truly find his peace. However, with his newfound courage comes a familiar fear, the same fear that’s kept him away for so long. Now it was time to grow up and face it.He says this and yet, the moment he lays eyes on that face he nearly crumbles.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu, Wen Jun Hui | Jun/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Comments: 6
Kudos: 41





	1. It Starts with a Spark

**Author's Note:**

> I tend to do a lot of research on fics and the responses certain types of fics garner, but listen, there's a sore lack of Vernon/Seungkwan fics and I am APPALLED. So here we are, please enjoy! All my love <3

Seungkwan had seen better days. And these were his better days, he was convinced. Because what was better than standing on a stage and making jokes for the world? He was still there, under those blinding lights. But it was different. 

Everything was different. 

“Seungkwan-ssi, good work today” the show had just ended, his co-host was some actress he’d done way too much research on. The stage had been cleared, as had the audience, but Seungkwan was still sitting in his seat. There was a reason for this, the dazed staring and thoughtless silence. The silence in his head, not on set. People were still moving around, cleaning up, preparing to go out for drinks or food. A celebration. It was the end of the season and Seungkwan’s contract was up. He was no longer the host for D-Idol. So he sat there for a moment, still holding his queue cards and wondering what exactly he should do next. 

“Seungkwan-ah! We’re going to drink, are you coming?” It was one of the directors that called for him, and Seungkwan drew himself from his thoughts. For one last moment, he plastered on his TV face, a soft, bright smile. 

“Sure” he responded, he slid off his stool and reached to put his queue cards down. But he paused, peering at them. Laminated and just a little too big for his hands. Seungkwan felt something sweet and almost overbearingly bitter swell inside. With a quick glance around he slipped one into his jacket and made off to join the rest of the cast and crew. Just a memento, something to look back on when he needed to. 

The night was a blur by the time they walked to the nearest bar, Seungkwan mostly lost in his thoughts and his cup. What else was he going to do, anyway? He was a free man, as the director put it. He’d done his time on the stage and on the screen, he had plenty of money to sit back on. He should be ecstatic. And he tried to be! He really did! But that night, when he went home to his nice apartment with the marble counter tops and the beautiful view from his floor to ceiling windows, Seungkwan wondered if he really was so lucky. 

It was dark as Seungkwan stumbled through the front door, huffing and puffing as he tried to get his tie and shoes off. He stumbled a bit more, kicking his left shoe off finally. He hopped down the two steps that lead to the living room, sighing to himself as he went over to the couch and collapsed onto it. He could see the city beyond his window perfectly from there, it was his favorite spot in the whole place. And yet it didn’t fill him with the same satisfaction as it usually did. 

Seungkwan put his head back, the tension bleeding out of him after a while. He stared, a bit blurrily, at the high ceiling. What to do...what to do….no really, what was he going to do now? He wasn’t rich enough to fill his days with expensive hobbies, maybe he should travel? But where would he even go? And what’s the fun in travelling if he had to do it by himself? Seungkwan let his eyes fall shut, he could still remember the days where he wouldn’t have to do anything by himself. Not sleep, not shower, not eat. He was never alone back then and now...now he was always alone. That sweet bitterness began to fill him again. When was the last time he’d even spoken to any of them? 

Seungkwan rubbed his eyes, finding some wetness on his lashes. With a heavy sigh he turned onto his side, falling into the cushions of his couch and curling up. As he did his phone slid from his jacket pocket, falling onto the cushion beside him. Seungkwan stared at it for a long moment. He wondered...if he called them would any of them, any one of them, answer. Seungkwan closed his eyes again, he wasn't so sure...but he was sure that he couldn't handle it if they didn't. Not right now. So he let himself drift, falling into a fitful sleep. Because maybe tomorrow he'd know what to do. Maybe then he'd be lucky. 

~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~

The next morning Seungkwan was regretting a few things. Mostly sleeping on his couch in his clothes and drinking that much soju. Either way, he was sitting at his kitchen counter nursing a cup of coffee. 

After the initial headache had finally worn off Seungkwan got to thinking about a lot of things. Mostly his anxiety over what he was going to do with the rest of his life, but that aside, he was thinking about his old bandmates. So now he was stalking as many of them as he could find on every social media platform he knew of. 

It wasn’t all that hard to figure out what they were doing these days. Junhui and Minghao had gone back to China to get into the fashion and modeling business. Seungkwan was impressed by some of the designs Minghao had cooked up for Junhui to wear on the catwalk, there were plenty of pictures to scroll through. They weren’t the only ones doing the modeling thing either, Jeonghan and Mingyu were featured in plenty of magazines themselves. Seungkwan was only a little envious at how good they still looked. Not that Seungkwan himself didn’t look good, but since he’d stopped the rigorous training and dancing his body had gone a little soft in some places. 

Aside from them Seungkwan was able to find out that Seungcheol and Jihoon were still producing here and there, their names inked in small print on a few new groups and bands. Chan was still around in that industry too it looked like, he wasn’t huge but he still had a following on twitter. It looked like he was still performing here and there. Seungkwan couldn’t help but be proud. 

Chan wasn’t the only one Seungkwan was proud of, though. Seokmin and Wonwoo had both made a good enough name for themselves in the acting industry. Seungkwan had even watched the drama Wonwoo was in a few months ago. He was good. Good enough to make Seungkwan tear up when his character had to leave his true love behind to save her from his mother’s wrath. 

Joshua was back home in America, Seungkwan had him on instagram though Joshua barely posted. He did post his congratulatory post when he got accepted to some big college out there. So Seungkwan guessed he was doing well for himself. The only other person he could find any sign of was Soonyoung, he was still in Seoul. He owned his own dance studio now, it was pretty famous and whenever someone got in for the class they took a lot of pictures of Soonyoung. And Seungkwan meant a lot. 

In the midst of all his old bandmate’s success there was one person that was missing. The person that Seungkwan was really curious about. There was no sign of him. Well, there were plenty of signs of him. Old pictures from performances and shows they had done together. Seungkwan pursed his lips as he scrolled through some old twitter posts about him. Videos of dance practices, clips of fancams. And then he stumbled across one video in particular tagged ‘Verkwan’. Seungkwan knew it was a bad idea, it would only upset him. But the thumbnail was a picture from about five years ago of Seungkwan and Vernon hugging. And it was just so nostalgic he couldn’t help himself, he tapped on the video and let it play. 

The clips ranged from hugs to jokes to sneaky touches. Seungkwan couldn’t count the number of times he’d scolded Vernon for pushing a joke too far. At the time he had been desperate to keep what they had hidden, desperate to hold onto Vernon. But he had wanted to preserve Seventeen’s image above all else. So they hid, they bided their time, and it had been good. It had been...until it wasn’t. Seungkwan still didn’t really know what happened. 

It had been a tough comeback, Seungkwan had hurt his ankle and couldn’t practice. Seungcheol was on leave and Jihoon had been struggling to write. Everyone was under a lot of stress. And one night it had all come to a head. Seungkwan didn’t even know what the argument had been about, all he remembered were the words he’d screamed at Vernon and the look on his face just before he left. 

After that he hardly spoke to him, hardly looked at him. Seungkwan didn’t even blame him. In fact, he had blamed himself more than anything. He still kind of did…

Seungkwan heaved a sigh, going back over to instagram. Soonyoung’s page came up and Seungkwan paused. He wondered how hard it would be to swallow his pride and text one of his old friends. Out of everyone, Soonyoung might be the easiest person to start with. What did he have to lose, anyway? 

Seungkwan opened his contacts and scrolled, he had most of the member’s numbers still. Though plenty of them had been deleted by a slightly drunk Seungkwan on a bad night or two. Seungkwan pushed those thoughts aside, though. He tapped Soonyoung’s number and waited, listening to it ring. By the third ring he became a little nervous, reaching for the ‘end call’ button. But just before he could touch it, he picked up. 

“Hello?” Soonyoung said, sounding a bit out of breath. 

“U-uh, hi, hello, Soonyoung…-ssi” Seungkwan said awkwardly, there was a pause. And then a full cackle through the phone, 

“Seungkwannie!?” Soonyoung laughed, “man, I don’t even have your number anymore. I didn’t know who was calling. What’s up? How have you been?” he asked, Seungkwan felt a flush of hot embarrassment at not updating his information with his friend. In fact, he hadn’t updated anyone. He was a bit worried about it, but he could send them his new number if he really needed to. 

“I-I’m fine, I’m good actually. How are you, hyung?” Seungkwan asked, scratching a spot on his coffee cup. 

“I’m great! You actually caught me at the end of my class, are you doing anything? We should have lunch, I miss you” Soonyoung crowed, Seungkwan felt his eyes burn a little. Full, hot tears filled them. It was almost unfair how kind and forgiving Soonyoung was, Seungkwan hadn’t talked to him since the group disbanded. And yet he had no problem inviting Seungkwan out, he even missed him. Seungkwan wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, 

“Sure, where should I meet you?” he asked, sniffing a bit. 

“You know Hoso down in Mok-Dong?” Soonyoung asked, Seungkwan knew what he was talking about. It was a little restaurant Seungkwan had never tried. 

“Yeah” Seungkwan said, 

“Great! I can meet you there in an hour” Soonyoung said, 

“Sounds good hyung, see you there” Seungkwan said, 

“See you!” Soonyoung chirped just before hanging up, Seungkwan put his phone down and then put his face down as well. The marble was cold against his forehead but he needed to breathe for a second. The tears wouldn’t stop so he let them go, sniffling and sobbing at his kitchen counter. And when he was done crying he tossed his coffee into the sink and went to get dressed. It would take him a little while to get to Mok-Dong anyway. 

The last time Seungkwan had seen any of his bandmates had been a few months after they disbanded at Jeonghan’s birthday party. He had insisted that everyone come, but of course not everyone could. After all, they had all been getting on with their lives, discovering new things and finding a path that suited them. Seungkwan included. Sure, maybe he found out Vernon was definitely going and decided to make up an excuse, but it was a valid excuse! He had an interview to be on a small show. He made time to stop by toward the end of the night, though. He had been lucky enough to have just missed Vernon and not any of the others. 

Seungkwan had suffered some anxiety that night as he’d walked up the path to Jeonghan and Seungcheol’s place, afraid they’d hate him for bailing. They didn’t, but he was still afraid they would. And right now, as Seungkwan’s taxi rolled to a stop on the street outside the restaurant they’d picked he was experiencing some of that same anxiety. 

“Thank you” Seungkwan paid and climbed out, hesitating on the curb as he peered up at the cute floral sign overhead. Maybe...maybe he shouldn’t have called. What kind of friend has he been, anyway? A selfish one, that was for sure. Seungkwan tugged on the sleeves of his sweater, hesitating some more. 

“Seungkwannie!” a familiar voice crowed, Seungkwan jumped, stomach tightening as he turned and faced his old bandmate. Soonyoung hadn’t changed a bit, at least, his round cheeks hadn’t. His shoulders looked a little broader, a little sharper. But that smile, full and toothy, full of warmth. That was the same. Seungkwan felt himself weaken a bit at the sight of it, arms falling open on reflex as Soonyoung made a b line toward him from further up the sidewalk. 

“Hyung” Seungkwan’s voice cracked as Soonyoung wrapped him up in his arms, giving him a tight hug. 

“You look great, it’s so good to see you” Soonyoung said, Seungkwan was trying really hard not to cry again so he just pressed his face into Soonyoung’s shoulder and held him as tightly as he could manage. “Aw, don’t cry on me Seungkwannie, let’s go inside and get something to eat” Soonyoung patted him on the back. It took a minute but Seungkwan managed to pull himself together and pull away. Mostly. His nose was definitely running and his eyes were definitely turning red. Soonyoung only laughed, patting Seungkwan on the back. “Come on, hyung’ll buy you lunch” he said, leading Seungkwan inside with a hand on his back. 

They found a nice seat in the corner of the restaurant, out of the way but not entirely secluded. Seungkwan had recovered from his crying spell and was pouring over the menu, Soonyoung was going on and on about his dance studio and the people he'd met. Seungkwan had to admit it was nice to hear about his daily life, it was like he hadn’t missed a thing. 

“What about you? I know you were MCing for D-Idol, how’s that going?” Soonyoung asked, Seungkwan put his menu down with a sigh. 

“It was great, but my contract just expired. They’re going to hire someone new for the next season” he said, 

“Aw no, that sucks” Soonyoung frowned, 

“It’s how it works, you know how show business is. The next best thing is always on the mind” Seungkwan said, picking up his glass of water and taking a sip. 

“Yeah I guess so...it was exciting though, always having to work towards the next thing. And hey, we were the next big thing for a while there” Soonyoung said, a nostalgic shine in his eyes. Seungkwan felt the bitterness rear its ugly head so he drank more water. “So what’s this really about Seungkwannie?” he asked, there was no accusation in his voice. Nothing sharp or unwelcoming. And yet Seungkwan still stiffened with fear. 

“What do you...what do you mean?” Seungkwan asked, Soonyoung cocked his head, his usual smile on his face. 

“I mean, it’s been years and I haven’t heard a peep from you. And now we’re having lunch, what gives? Has something happened?” Soonyoung asked, Seungkwan was absolutely ashamed of his behavior. He should have done a better job of keeping in contact. 

“No, nothing’s happened I just...with the show ending I don’t know, I guess I got to thinking about a lot of things. Missed opportunities and things like that, I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to be doing now” Seungkwan didn’t find it difficult to tell Soonyoung about his worries, he just found it difficult to put it into proper words. Soonyoung hummed, 

“Yeah, you got lucky like the model squad. You guys got offers right after your contracts were up, but the rest of us weren’t so lucky, you know? We had to really think about what we wanted to do, how we were going to do it. Now you have to do that” he said, Seungkwan understood. Because it was true. He had gotten interviews and offers right away, he had made a good name for himself in entertainment. But now that his time there was up, it was just the rest of his life. He hadn’t put much thought into what he was going to do with it. After all, when you’re young and under those lights, it feels like you’re going to be there forever. Or more, you want to be there forever. And now that he wasn’t...well, he was lost. 

“Where do I even start?” Seungkwan asked, Soonyoung patted the back of Seungkwan’s hands in a comforting gesture. 

“Wherever you want” he said, Seungkwan smiled a bit. That was a nice sentiment. 

“Hello, sorry for the wait, can I take your order?” a waiter appeared, they ordered and sent the waiter back moments later. 

“You know who you should talk to?” Soonyoung said, 

“Who?” Seungkwan asked, Soonyoung pointed his straw at him. 

“Seungcheol-hyung” he said, while Seungkwan wanted to avoid and erase Vernon from his memory most days, he dreaded ever seeing Seungcheol again. Out of everyone Seungkwan hated that he’d lost contact with him the most. Well, he regretted losing contact with everyone. But he always felt like he’d disappointed Seungcheol in that way, not being a good friend. Especially after everything they’d all been through together. “He could give you some good advice, which reminds me, they’re getting married soon” Soonyoung said, Seungkwan had picked the wrong time to take a drink of his water. Because he gasped and water went shooting down the wrong pipe. 

Seungkwan hacked, leaning over and coughing his lungs up as he choked. Soonyoung patted him heavily on the back, 

“Ma-marri-” Seungkwan hacked again, 

“Yeah, I know Jeonghan had been trying to get a hold of you but he didn’t have your number. No one does” Soonyoung said, and just like that the shame turned to fear.  
Seungkwan sat up, face beat red and breathing reedy. 

“Jeonghan-hyung has been trying to find me?” Seungkwan croaked, Soonyoung looked amused as he nodded. 

“I guess he got your email, but you haven’t responded to any of them. He called me to complain the other day” Soonyoung said, Seungkwan put his face in his hands with a groan. If he had disappointed Seungcheol then he’d probably infuriated Jeonghan. Good God, what was he going to do now? “Don’t worry, you could probably roll him over with some fancy chocolates or wine. He’s easy like that these days, being engaged has softened him up some” Soonyoung said, Seungkwan sat up with a long sigh. 

“For my sake, I hope you’re right” he said, their food arrived a moment later. Seungkwan tucked into his plate of food, Soonyoung did too. There were a few moments of silence, and then Seungkwan sat up to wipe his mouth. “Married, wow” he murmured, thinking about what Soonyoung said again. Soonyoung nodded, reaching for his water. 

“They’ve been engaged since we parted from the company, it happened a few weeks after Jeonghannie-hyung’s birthday” he said, Seungkwan cringed. 

“The same birthday I kind of missed?” He asked, Soonyoung nodded, brows rising. 

“Maybe you should get him the wine and the chocolates, instead of or” he said, Seungkwan snorted. He couldn’t agree more. “So what about you? No one new?” Soonyoung asked, 

“What, like, dating?” Seungkwan asked before taking another bite of his food, 

“Yeah, no Mr. or Miss on your doorstep since we stopped talking?” Soonyoung asked, Seungkwan rolled his eyes. What a way with words. 

“No, none for me” Seungkwan said, 

“So you aren’t over Vernon?” Soonyoung asked, Seungkwan froze, spoon clutched tightly in one hand. 

“I’m- no, no way, I’m over him. It’s been-” Seungkwan scoffed, “it’s been three years, why would I…” his voice dwindled at the look Soonyoung was sending him, like a mix of sad amusement and knowing. “I haven’t even thought about him till I went looking for everyone’s contacts yesterday” Seungkwan muttered, Soonyoung hummed. 

“So what’s stopping you from dating again? We’re free from dating bans now, not sure if you heard” he said, Seungkwan gave him a bland look. 

“I just- I haven’t found someone I really like, that’s all. No one could be like-” Seungkwan stopped himself, heat crawling up his neck as he realized the words that had nearly escaped him. 

‘No one could be like him…’ 

Seungkwan sunk into his seat, frustration building inside him. 

“It’s alright if you aren’t past it Seungkwannie, you guys never really even talked about it. You never got closure, and I can bet neither did Vernon'' Soonyoung said, folding his arms on the table. Seungkwan knew that he was right, but he didn’t want him to be. He wanted to be done with that chapter of his life, Vernon had practically dropped off the map after they disbanded anyway. He obviously didn’t care about what happened between them, so why should Seungkwan? There was no way he was going to waste his time being angry and sad over someone who wouldn’t even talk to him. 

This is the same mantra that got Seungkwan through the first year of being apart from everyone, the one that kept him crying himself to sleep every night. Well, almost every night. 

“Can we just change topics?” Seungkwan asked, rubbing at his eye a bit, willing the tears behind it away. 

“Sure” Soonyoung said with a tender smile, 

“What about you, hyung? Anyone romantic in your life?” it wasn’t a huge jump of topics, but Seungkwan was curious. Soonyoung only shrugged though, 

“Not really, not that there ever really was” he said, it was true, Soonyoung was plenty affectionate with everyone. But he’d never shown a keen interest in anyone, male or female. “I always wanted to focus on my dancing, I still do. Maybe one day when I want to have kids to pass the studio on to, then I’ll start fishing” he smiled, again, what a way to put it. Seungkwan shared his smile for a moment, but it fell again seconds later. 

“Have I missed anything else important? How is everyone?” Seungkwan asked, 

“You could always just ask them yourself, but if we’re watering it down...Minghao and Junhui have been doing really well in China, Junhui really wants to come back to Korea though. He says he misses the food, and us” Soonyoung snickered, Seungkwan giggled. That sounded like Junhui. “Hmm, Chan went back to school but he’s still a solo artist under Pledis. Oh! Seungcheol-hyung and Jihoon-hyung are both head producers with Pledis and Bighit now” Soonyoung said, Seungkwan’s jaw fell open. 

“That’s huge, they’ve really made it, huh?” he said, Soonyoung shrugged. 

“Yeah, but sometimes I feel like it takes a toll on them. The last time I saw Jihoonie-hyung he looked like he hadn’t slept in years, and I know Seungcheol-hyung’s anxiety has been getting worse” he said, frowning a bit. Seungkwan remembered how bad their leader’s anxiety had gotten when they were idols, he couldn’t imagine the kind of stress he deals with as a producer now. “But since their wedding is destination they’re both going to get a break” Soonyoung said on a better note, 

“That’s great, where are they having it?” Seungkwan asked, mostly out of curiosity. Soonyoung tapped his chin, 

“Ba...Barbosa...no, that wasn’t it. Hold on, let me check the email Jeonghan sent me” he said, reaching into his jacket to fish out his phone. Seungkwan took a second to glance at his own. Nothing but emails, a text from his sister. He opened his contacts, glancing briefly at Soonyoung as he searched on his phone. Seungkwan smiled a bit, tapping on Seungcheol’s contact to shoot him a quick text. 

Only a ‘Hi hyung, this is Boo Seungkwan, I hope you’re well!’ 

“Here it is, Baros Maldives resort. Somewhere out there on the ocean” Soonyoung said, putting his phone back into his jacket pocket. “It looks really pretty though” he said, Seungkwan didn’t recognize the name but if Jeonghan picked it then it was bound to be really lavish. “He’s probably going to invite you, you know, after he rips you a new one” Soonyoung grinned, Seungkwan gave him a bland look. 

“No offense to either of them, but I don’t think I’d go even if he did” Seungkwan said, 

“What, why?” Soonyoung asked, looking genuinely baffled. 

“It’s just been a long time since I’ve seen anyone, and I was a terrible friend. I didn’t even tell anyone that my number changed” Seungkwan said, tasting that bitterness once more. Maybe he deserved it this time. 

“What are you talking about? Seungkwannie I was so excited when we made plans to meet up, everyone would be happy to see you” Soonyoung insisted, Seungkwan still wasn’t so sure. But then his phone vibrated, he turned it over and blinked at the text from Seungcheol. 

‘Seungkwannie! I’m glad to hear from you, I’m good. A lot’s happened, call me when you can’ 

Seungkwan felt his heart warm a bit, 

“Just...let me see how things go with Jeonghan-hyung, if he doesn’t rip my head off and wants me to go then-then I’ll go” Seungkwan said, Soonyoung cheered. 

“That’s what I’m talking about” he said, then there was a pause. “Are you going to finish that?” he asked suddenly, pointing at a piece of stray meat on Seungkwan’s plate. Seungkwan snorted and tossed the meat onto Soonyoung’s plate with his spoon. 

They talked for a little while longer but Soonyoung had some things to take care of, so they hugged and parted ways outside. With the sun setting it was getting just a little cooler.  
Seungkwan decided it was still nice enough that he could walk home, and while he did he glanced at his phone again. Call when he could...well, he could call now. Seungkwan dialed Seungcheol and put his phone to his ear, waiting. There was still some anxiety, like earlier. But this time he didn’t want to hang up. 

“Seungkwannie!” it was much like Soonyoung’s first greeting, but this time it was followed by “where have you been? I was almost worried you were dead, but then I saw you on TV” Seungcheol said, 

“Hi hyung, I’m not dead, still pretty alive actually” Seungkwan said, a laugh in his voice. 

“I’m glad, so how have you been? It’s been a long time” Seungcheol said. Seungkwan felt a twinge of guilt. 

“Yeah, I’m good I’m...I'm really sorry I haven’t kept in contact hyung, I should’ve been better about that,” Seungkwan said. There was some noise in the background. 

“Ah, don’t worry about it we all- ah, no, it’s Seungkwan...no, yeah, hey wait-” someone seemed to have wrestled the phone from Seungcheol, if the sound of struggle was anything to go by. 

“Seungkwan-ah! Where have you been? You don’t even call!” it was Jihoon’s voice that rang in Seungkwan’s ears this time, 

“H-hyung, hi” Seungkwan said nervously, while he was terrified to face Jeonghan he was also nervous about Jihoon. There was an order with categories, Seungkwan reasons. While Seungcheol, Seokmin, and Chan were in the ‘fear of disappointment’ category. Jeonghan and Jihoon were definitely in the ‘fear of death’ category. 

“Don’t ‘hi hyung’ me, explain yourself” Jihoon barked, Seungkwan’s steps wobbled a bit. 

“Um, well, uh...you see, I-” 

“Alright, lay off, you’ve done your share of disappearing too” Seungcheol was back, Seungkwan had never been more grateful for his leader. 

“I’m sorry, really. I’ve-I’ve missed everyone, I just wanted to reconnect” Seungkwan explained, there was some grumbling that definitely belonged to Jihoon. 

“We’re glad to hear it, so how’s the entertainment business been treating you?” Seungcheol asked, 

“Well, but I’m actually done with that. My contract just expired” Seungkwan said, 

“So we’re your last resort!?” Jihoon yelled on the other end, Seungkwan winced. 

“Quit yelling!” Seungcheol snapped,  
“It isn’t-it isn’t like that” Seungkwan said weakly, 

“It’s alright Seungkwannie, he’s just being cranky because he didn’t get any coffee” Seungcheol said, “so what are you going to do now that you’re done with your show?” he asked, there was his least favorite topic. 

“I’m not sure actually, Soonyoung-hyung actually told me I should talk to you about it” Seungkwan said, 

“Oh, really?” Seungcheol said, sounding genuinely surprised. 

“You went to see Soonyoung but not us!?” Jihoon exploded, curses filling the line for a moment. 

“Go take a nap!” Seungcheol snapped, there was some more cursing and then the slam of a door. Seungcheol heaved a sigh, “sorry about that, end of term is coming quick and we...well, uh, we’re a little ill prepared” he said, Seungkwan remembered what Soonyoung had said about Jihoon and Seungcheol. About how hard they’ve been working and how tired they’ve been. 

“Make sure to take care of yourself, your health is important. You and Jihoon-hyung” Seungkwan said, there was a pause and then Seungcheol chuckled. 

“You haven’t changed a bit, huh?” he mumbled, Seungkwan smiled. “So, you don’t have anything in mind for a career? Have you considered trying for another show or MC position?” he asked, Seungkwan had. But he was a bit outdated, at least, that’s the way it was posed to him by his ex-director. Everyone wanted to see the new kids on the block, especially with all the new, young groups coming out. 

“I don’t know if I’m anyone’s speed anymore,” Seungkwan said, stopping at a streetlight. 

“What do you mean?” Seungcheol asked, 

“Ah, well, you know, there are a lot of up and coming groups, lots of good entertainers too. I’m just a little...old, I guess” Seungkwan said, grimacing at his own words. There was a long pause, and then the sound of heavy steps. A door was opening, and then- 

“Jihoon-ah! Seungkwan thinks he’s old, you believe that?” Seungcheol shouted, 

“What the hell does that make us then!?” Jihoon yelled, Seungkwan giggled, stepping off the curb when the light turned green. 

“I’m sorry hyung, it’s just, you see how it is on TV. All the new kids get promoted and dinosaurs like us get shoved to the side, we aren’t even old enough to be a novelty yet” Seungkwan said, 

“Make up your mind, are we old as dirt or having a midlife crisis?” Seungcheol asked, Seungkwan barked a laugh. That was a good question. “Listen, you know how it is. You’ve gotta make your way Seungkwannie, impose yourself on the world and show them how much they’d miss you if you were gone. You’ve already done it once, you can do it again.” Seungkwan felt a twinge of an emotion he couldn’t put his finger on, because Seungcheol was right. How hard had they worked just to get to where they had been? Seungkwan couldn’t imagine doing it again, but maybe he could keep in the entertainment game. He was good at it. 

“Thanks hyung, that’s actually really helpful” Seungkwan said, Seungcheol laughed. 

“Was I not supposed to give you good advice?” he asked, Seungkwan smiled a bit. 

“You always give good advice, hyung” he said, 

“Thanks Seungkwannie” Seungcheol said fondly, “I know you’ve already talked to Soonyoung so he’s probably already told you, but me and Jeonghannie are tying the knot next month. You have my blessing to come, but you’ll have to talk to Jeonghan first. If you survive I’d love to see you there” he said, Seungkwan slowed his steps. 

“Thanks hyung, I’ll give him a call tonight” he said, 

“Try tomorrow around noon, he had a long shoot today so he’s probably going to do some of that self love stuff tomorrow. He’s usually in a pretty good mood when he does” Seungcheol said, 

“Alright, I will” Seungkwan said, 

“Good, I have to go but I hope to see you soon Seungkwannie. It was nice to talk to you” Seungcheol said, Seungkwan smiled as his chest warmed. 

“Me too, thanks for your advice again hyung” he said, and then he recalled a tidbit Soonyoung had left him. “Oh, wait, what kind of wine does Jeonghan-hyung like?” he asked, 

"Soonyoung tell you that?” Seungcheol asked, 

“Yeah” Seungkwan confirmed, 

“He’s a smart man” Seungcheol murmured, Seungkwan couldn’t help but agree. After writing down the brand of wine Jeonghan liked, Seungkwan wished Seungcheol a good night and hung up. He stopped on the corner, peering up at the sky. Burning gold with the setting sun and instilling a warm feeling in Seungkwan that he hoped he’d never forget. He could feel things settle inside of him that have been loose a long time. Maybe they’d all settle finally.


	2. When the Stars Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that, it isn't 1am! That's a win for me  
> I hope you enjoy the new chapter, all my love <3

Seungkwan could hardly sleep that night, he tossed and turned thinking about all that had happened. It had been really nice to see Soonyoung and talk to Seungcheol. It was even nice to get cussed out by Jihoon. So Seungkwan couldn’t help but think, maybe it was time to really talk to everyone again. 

When Seungkwan’s alarm went off he didn’t worry about how little sleep he’d gotten, he worried about what he needed to do at noon. He got up and went to make himself some breakfast, and as he warmed up a bowl of oatmeal he peered at his phone. 

Like he mentioned, there were categories when it came to his old bandmates. Seungcheol, Seokmin, and Chan were still in that ‘fear of disappointment’ category. But he had already spoken to Seungcheol, so maybe it’ll be that easy with Seokmin and Chan. Though it felt a little different with each of them. 

In the ‘fear of death’ category were still Jihoon and Jeonghan, one down and one to go. Then there was the ‘fear of embarrassment’ category where Wonwoo, Mingyu, and Junhui were. And finally the ‘fear of judgement’ category reserved for Minghao and Joshua. 

The microwave beeped, Seungkwan popped it open and took his bowl out. He put it on the counter and picked up his spoon, stirring it as he stared at his contact list some more.  
The night the argument happened had caused a rift between everyone, Seungkwan had hated it so much that he removed himself from them entirely. It was easier to be alone than to watch his best friends take sides. It was one of the things Seungkwan could remember well enough, who took who’s side. Funnily enough, Jihoon had been on Vernon’s side at the time. Seungkwan was glad he hadn’t held anything against him. Maybe they’d all grown up some in the last few years. Seungkwan sighed, opening a memo. He wrote down all the people that had been angry at him after the fight. All the people he’d need to make it up to now. 

Jeonghan was at the top, beneath him was Minghao, Chan, Mingyu, and Wonwoo. And way at the bottom Seungkwan wrote Vernon’s name. He scrolled back up before he could think better of it. Then, Seungkwan ate his oatmeal and waited for noon to come around. 

Seungkwan was not a coward. But he wasn’t a very brave man either. This showed pretty well as he hesitated to hit call a few hours later. He was staring at Jeonghan’s contact, finger hovering over the call button. 

“Just call...just do it” Seungkwan murmured to himself, what was the worst that could happen? Jeonghan could just tell him he never wanted to speak to him again. Seungkwan heaved a sigh, alright, he could do this. He hit call. It began to ring and Seungkwan gripped a couch cushion tightly in his free hand, waiting. 

“Hello?” Jeonghan sang as he picked up, at least he sounded like he was in a good mood. 

“Uh, hi Jeonghan-hyung, it’s Boo Seungkwan” Seungkwan said tentatively, there was the sound of metal clattering and then a long pause. “Um, hyung-?” 

“Boo Seungkwan? The same Boo Seungkwan that decided he was too good to stay in contact? Oh that better not be the Boo Seungkwan I know, because he would know better than to call me out of the blue after I tried sending a dozen emails. Not unless he had a death wish. He didn’t even tell any of us that he changed his number, what kind of trash bag does that? The Boo Seungkwan from a few years ago would never do that but hey, I guess people change right” somehow the sharp, sarcastic tone was worse than yelling or cursing. Yelling and cursing Seungkwan could deal with, but this kind of made Seungkwan want to curl in on himself. 

“Hyung” Seungkwan tried, 

“And! He’s missed all the birthdays and anniversaries, all because of a stupid fight over a boy” Jeonghan scoffed, Seungkwan felt gross inside suddenly. 

“I’m sorry hyung…” he murmured weakly, eyes brimming with tears. Jeonghan clicked his tongue, 

“If you couldn’t tell, I’m really mad at you” he said, Seungkwan wiped his nose. 

“I know, I-” 

“But I’m glad you called” Jeonghan cut him off, Seungkwan straightened up a bit. “Cheollie said you called him yesterday, I don’t blame you for not calling me first but you’re lucky I don’t come down there and put my foot up your ass” Jeonghan said, Seungkwan laughed wetly. 

“Sorry hyung, I was honestly terrified to call you” he said honestly, 

“You should be!” Jeonghan barked, “I’m still waiting to hear an apology” he said, Seungkwan sighed. 

“I’m sorry for not keeping in contact, please forgive me?” he asked, Jeonghan huffed. 

“You’re lucky I missed you” he said, Seungkwan felt happiness warm him from the inside out. 

“I missed you too” he said, 

“You need to come over, I’m doing face masks and I want takeout. You can pick it up on your way” Jeonghan said, as demanding as ever. Seungkwan smiled a bit, 

“Sure, I’ll bring some wine too” he said, 

“Ahh, I knew I missed you for a reason” Jeonghan sighed, Seungkwan rolled his eyes. 

“Send me your address, I’ll see you soon” he said, 

“Drive safe!” Jeonghan trilled just before hanging up, Seungkwan sat back with a long sigh. It definitely went better than expected, but there were still things to talk about. And if Seungkwan knew Jeonghan he knew that he’d bring it up once he was cornered. So with a sigh Seungkwan went to get dressed, steeling himself for whatever conversation he’d end up having. Good or bad. 

After their group disbanded, Jeonghan and Seungcheol had rented an apartment together in downtown Seoul. It was nice, on the fifth floor, with plenty of rooms and white floors. Seungkwan even remembered what door it was when he reached their floor, using his elbow to ring the bell since he was loaded down with all the food Jeonghan had pre-ordered and the bottle of wine Seungkwan had bought as an ‘I’m sorry’ gift. 

The door was opened moments later, 

“Hurry, I can’t- oh” Seungkwan stumbled a bit, hesitating as he laid eyes on not Jeonghan but Joshua. “Shua-hyung” Seungkwan said on reflex, Joshua smiled and reached out. 

“Hey, let me help” He took one of the bags of food, suddenly all the boxes of chicken made sense. 

“Thanks, I didn’t know you were back in Korean” Seungkwan said, finding it surprisingly easy to face Joshua as they went inside. 

“Yeah, I flew back a few days ago. Jeonghan wanted help with wedding planning and he said skype calls didn’t cut it” Joshua said, taking the food into the living room. Seungkwan could hear the TV playing and when they passed through the entrance way and kitchen Seungkwan was a bit startled to find Jeonghan and Seokmin sitting on a pair of long, white couches. 

“About time, I’m starving” Jeonghan complained, beckoning Joshua. Joshua handed over the bag of food and took a seat on the couch beside him, 

“Seungkwan-ah, good to see you” Seokmin waved, smiling bright as ever. Seungkwan let go of a breath, returning the smile. 

“Hi hyung, it’s nice to see you too” Seungkwan said, 

“Come sit down so we can eat” Jeonghan said, already taking out boxes and setting them on the coffee table. Seungkwan went over and put the bag and bottle down, settling beside Seokmin who slapped a hand on his back in greeting. 

“So what have you been up to?” Seokmin asked, reaching for a napkin and a piece of chicken. 

“I did some MCing, but right now not much” Seungkwan said, 

“Seungkwannie is trying to make friends again” Jeonghan said, rolling his wrist toward them, a piece of chicken in hand. Seungkwan’s face warmed a bit, 

“I’m just-I’m just trying to make amends, or something” he said, voice a bit of a mumble. 

“How grown up of you” Joshua said, sounding a bit amused. “So, what, you don’t have any friends from that show you did?” he asked, taking a bite out of his chicken. Seungkwan shrugged, 

“I got along with them, but we weren’t friends. We were friends” he said, gesturing at himself and then around at them. Jeonghan exchanged a glance with Joshua, 

“Honestly, I was going to grill you for all the time you were MIA. But now I’m feeling kind of bad about it” Jeonghan said. Seungkwan was kind of glad to hear that. Kind of. 

“I probably deserve it, I didn’t even bother to tell anyone I changed my number” Seungkwan sighed, 

“Yeah, that was pretty shitty” Seokmin agreed, Seungkwan cringed a bit. “But you’re here now, that’s what counts, right?” he said, slapping Seungkwan on the back again. 

“Better late than never” Joshua agreed, Jeonghan sighed. 

“It would be nice to see everyone again, I sent invites to all of our old bandmates but the only person I’ve heard from is you, Jihoon, Soonyoung, and these two” he said, frowning. Seungkwan was a little shocked to hear that, 

“No one else has even responded?” he asked, Jeonghan shook his head, pursing his lips. 

“I’ll remember that when I die a rich widow, I’m leaving everything to my dogs. Or Seungcheol, if he’s still alive. But I plan on going after him” he said, Seungkwan did a slight double take. 

“I’ll make a note of that when Seungcheol has a mysterious accident” Joshua said, 

“I’d never murder Cheollie, at least, as long as he stays faithful” Jeonghan said, a thoughtful look on his face. Seungkwan cleared his throat, 

“If none of the guys responded, who else did you invite?” he asked, wanting to jump topics but also curious about who he’d be seeing at the wedding. Jeonghan’s expression pinched a bit, 

“Actually, they’re the only ones I invited. I invited Minhyuk but he won’t be able to make it, and I invited Taehyung too but he’s not even in Korea for the next few months” Jeonghan said, a bit dejected. Seungkwan felt bad, this was a huge event. Jeonghan and Seungcheol were getting married! That was a real life, rest of your life kind of deal. Seungkwan couldn’t stand for this, he had to make sure Jeonghan’s wedding was a time to remember. And if that meant facing all of the people he didn’t want to face, then he would. It was the least he could do after all the pain he’d caused his friends. 

“Hyung, what if I try to go see all of them? I have plenty of time and pretty much everyone except for Minghao and Junhui are in Korea, I could get responses for you pretty quick” he offered, Jeonghan raised a brow. 

“Wow, you looked kind of nauseous when you said that” Joshua said, 

“I do not” Seungkwan complained, Joshua grinned at him. 

“I think it’s a good idea, but be careful when you try to go see Wonwoo. He’s been on set for the movie finale of his show, they wouldn’t even let me in” Seokmin said, 

“I’ll find a way, I promise I’ll get everyone here for the wedding” Seungkwan swore, Jeonghan smiled, emotion bright in his eyes. 

“This new Seungkwan is something else, huh?” he said, crossing his legs and leaning back. “I’d appreciate it if you did though, then I wouldn’t have to worry and I could finally get the rest of the planning done” He said, 

“You mean I can get the rest of the planning done” Joshua said, Jeonghan smiled coyly at him. 

“You complete me” Jeonghan said, Joshua rolled his eyes. Seungkwan was glad that he could help, but now he needed to figure out how he was going to find the others. 

“I can give you the address of the shooting lot Wonwoo’s been at” Seokmin offered, 

“Thanks, that would help a lot. Do you guys know what Mingyu and Chan have been up to?” Seungkwan asked, Soonyoung had filled on some blanks but the details were important. 

“Mm, sometimes Chan visits Cheollie and Jihoon at the studio. But I know he enrolled in school recently, I’ll text you the name of it” Joshua said, 

“And Mingyu’s been modelling with our rival agency” Jeonghan said, leaning on his fist. 

“Okay, good, at least I know where everyone will be. Maybe” Seungkwan said, already thinking through his game plan. 

“You’ll do great” Seokmin reassured him, Seungkwan smiled a bit. 

“Now we just need to get a hold of our Chinese duo and Vernon” Joshua said, Seungkwan hesitated at the mention of Vernon. Jeonghan glanced at him, 

“I know you guys haven’t spoken since...back then. But I meant it when I said I really want everyone to come, you guys were my family. You still are, Seungcheol’s too” he said carefully, “we could never do this without everyone there” he finished, Seungkwan could already feel the anxiety biting at him. 

“I...I know, and I’ll still be there if he is. I just- can someone else be in charge of finding him?” Seungkwan asked, 

“Of course, we’d never make you call up your ex for your friend’s wedding. What kind of monsters do you think we are?” Joshua said, Seungkwan was relieved at that much. 

“Thanks” he sighed, 

“You guys should talk at some point, though, for your own sake” Seokmin said, sitting back after having finished a whole box of chicken on his own. Seungkwan rubbed his knees nervously, appetite forgotten. 

“It’s been three years Seungkwannie, you don’t think you could finally hash it out with him?” Jeonghan asked, Seungkwan could, but he couldn’t at the same time. It was frustrating because he wanted to have all his friends back, his family. And he knew that it would never be complete without Vernon, there was no way Seventeen was Seventeen without him. But every time Seungkwan so much as thought about him he became nauseous. The night they had broken things off had been messy with way too much fall out. Seungkwan was terrified of trying to clean it up, because it was still there inside of him. Festering until it became bearable again. 

“Alright, that nauseous look is back, let’s change topics” Joshua said, Seungkwan tucked his hands between his legs as Joshua started a conversation about wedding decorations or something. Seungkwan had honestly checked out of the conversation at this point. All he could think about was that neat little box in the corner of his mind. The one he’d shoved all of those feelings into three years ago. The ribbon was pretty and the paper pristine, but now that he looked at it, maybe the paper was tearing and the ribbon was coming undone. Because Seungkwan suddenly had the urge to cry. He didn’t, but he really wanted to. 

Seungkwan had left Jeonghan’s place content but also very conflicted. However, the next day he couldn’t afford to be conflicted. He had a movie set to get to. He wore his nicest jacket and shoes, did his hair and triple checked the address Seokmin had given him. Also the warning. 

‘They won’t let you in if you’re just there to see Wonwoo, make something up about being there for an interview. They might recognize you from TV’. So Seungkwan made up a lie in his head and recited it the whole way there. 

The place the taxi rolled up to was rolling grounds behind a wide gate, a security guard standing inside a little booth beside it. 

“Um, just pull up and tell them I’m um, Boo Seungkwan and I’m here for an interview” Seungkwan said, the taxi driver did as he asked. He pulled up to the striped yellow bar and rolled down his window, 

“Can I help you?” the security guard asked, 

“I’m just dropping off Boo Seungkwan, he’s here for an interview” the taxi driver said, far less nervous than Seungkwan was. The security guard leaned back, Seungkwan rolled the window down and smiled awkwardly. 

“Hello” he said, the security guard surveyed him for a moment and then nodded. 

“Go on through, check in at the main building” he gestured, moving back into his booth to hit a button that lifted the striped bar. The taxi driver waved to him in thanks and drove into the lot. He went through a roundabout, stopping to let Seungkwan out at the main building just like the security guard had said. Once he paid and thanked him, Seungkwan slipped past the building, checking the lot numbers on each of the large buildings beyond it. Seokmin said Wonwoo’s filming set was lot 5 on the end, so Seungkwan kept going till he found it. And when he did he wasn’t sure how to get in. There was one door on the side of the beige building, but it was locked. Seungkwan paced a bit, unsure of what to do now. He wasn’t sure what the consequences were for sneaking onto a movie set he wasn’t on, but he was sure it couldn’t be good. 

The door to the building opened suddenly, a woman stepping out with a makeup bag on her arm. Seungkwan stepped aside, bowing to her with an awkward and quick ‘sorry’. She only gave him a once over before moving on, Seungkwan moved quickly as she turned her back. He grabbed the door before it could shut and slipped in. Inside he found a dark backstage, plenty of set pieces sitting around. He could hear lots of talking and bustling too, a few alarms mixed in. 

Without a moment to spare Seungkwan scurried his way through the stage, avoiding stagehands and stylists. When he reached the edge of the set, hidden just behind a pair of long, velvet curtains, he peered around. The set was like a house, the same one Seungkwan had seen a hundred times in the drama he’d watched back home. He was kind of star struck for a moment, mouth falling open as he recognized the main actress. She was even prettier in real life. Someone passed in front of her and Seungkwan made an irritated sound, trying to see around the person. And then he realized something, the person was Wonwoo. 

He looked good, as handsome as ever, his hair styled loosely around his face. A little long, actually. Seungkwan felt his stomach tighten a bit. 

“Let’s take a ten, I need stage right cleaned up. Now” the director barked, Wonwoo was talking to the woman who played Min Sinhwa. His smile was easy, just like Seungkwan remembered. And then Sinhwa was called away to makeup and Wonwoo moved toward the back of the house stage, toward Seungkwan’s left. This was the perfect opportunity. Seungkwan slipped through the curtains, watching over his shoulder for anyone that might’ve spotted him. As soon as he had no more curtains to hide him Seungkwan took a quick jog toward the snack table where he was sure Wonwoo was headed. What he hadn’t done, however, was look where he was going. He smacked fully into someone ahead of, stumbling as he immediately spewed a dozen apologies. 

“It’s okay, I- hey, Boo Seungkwan” Seungkwan straightened up, mouth falling open again as he faced Wonwoo. 

“Ah, hi, f-funny seeing you here” Seungkwan said, fidgeting. Wonwoo looked a bit bemused, 

“I’m um, I’m the main character on the show. Seungkwan-ah, what are you doing here?” he asked, Seungkwan straightened up again. He’d almost forgotten why he was here, 

“Um, I’m here because Jeonghan-hyung hasn’t heard back from you about the wedding” Seungkwan said, Wonwoo blinked. 

“The...wedding, oh no, it completely slipped my mind” he murmured, rubbing his mouth. “Ah, please don’t tell him I forgot. The last time I forgot his birthday he filled my car with shaving cream” he said, Seungkwan bit back a snort. 

“I won’t, but you should respond to him soon” he said, Wonwoo sighed. 

“I’ll call him tonight if I don’t collapse when I get home” he said, then he peered at Seungkwan. “I would say it’s good to see you, but I’m not entirely sure if it is” he said, Seungkwan deflated a bit. 

“Ah, yeah, I know” he laughed weakly, “I hope- I mean, I know you’re doing well. But I’m glad you look healthy!” Seungkwan tried, Wonwoo’s lips curled a bit. 

“Thanks, you look well too” he said, Seungkwan shifted on his feet. 

“Um, I’m actually here under false pretenses, so I’m going to go. But if you aren’t doing anything later on this week we should uh, hang out?” Seungkwan was already inching away, Wonwoo only watched him with a peculiar look on his face. 

“I don’t have your number, you changed it and dropped off the face of the Earth, remember?” Wonwoo said, a chilliness in his voice. Seungkwan paused, yeah, he deserved that one. 

“I know, I’m sorry. Honestly, I’m really happy to see you. I got to see Soonyoung, Jeonghan, Joshua, and Seokmin too. And I...I’ve never felt more put together, not since before we disbanded” Seungkwan said honestly, it had been stewing in him a while, those feelings. All those loose pieces that were slowly but surely finding their place. It was a nice feeling, if a bit painful. Wonwoo cocked his head a bit, regarding Seungkwan quietly. And then he smiled, and it wasn’t a fake, acting smile. It was warm and familiar,

“I’m glad to hear that, you’re growing up” he said, Seungkwan flushed as he laughed. 

“I feel like I keep hearing that” he said, 

“Well it’s true” Wonwoo said, “mm, you should probably go, the security guard has been staring at you for the last five minutes” Seungkwan stiffened, anxiety spiking. He really couldn’t afford to be seen getting thrown off a movie set. 

“Good idea” Seungkwan murmured, 

“Seungkwan-ah, send me your new number later, Soonyoung and I are going for lunch on Wednesday. You should come” Wonwoo said, Seungkwan stopped his slow escape and looked at Wonwoo, a smile growing on his face. 

“I will, see you later hyung” Seungkwan said, waving just before ducking past the snack table back to the curtains he’d waded through earlier. It took some quick thinking but Seungkwan was able to turn the security guard around a few times before skipping out through the door he’d come in through. Then he was booking it back through the lots to the front gate. From there he sauntered past the main security guard, hoping he looked confident, and called a cab once he was in the clear. 

Seungkwan didn’t consider himself a lucky person, but so far things were going well. Even Jeonghan hadn’t stayed mad at him for long. Which was a miracle in itself because that man could hold a grudge. 

Once Seungkwan was on his way home he sent Wonwoo a message, hoping his number was the same. Then he sat back, wondering how he would get in to see Mingyu. Seungkwan had managed to get onto the set with Seokmin’s help, but getting into a private modelling office was different. Maybe he could go see Chan next, it might be easier to break into a school than a modelling agency. 

A text came in, Seungkwan’s phone vibrating. He checked it, 

‘Channie called us back! He’s coming to the wedding so don’t worry about him, thanks for doing this Seungkwannie, it means a lot’, it was from Jeonghan. Seungkwan smiled a bit, opening the text. 

‘No problem hyung, i’m glad i can help’. Seungkwan put his phone away, sighing. Maybe he could try Mingyu tomorrow, after all, that modelling agency would always be there. Jeonghan had texted Seungkwan the information earlier, it was a place called MDI Modelling Agency. Apparently they have a healthy rivalry going on between them. And by healthy, Seungkwan was sure Jeonghan meant mildly insane. Either way, Seungkwan had to figure out how he was going to get in to see him. Especially since he couldn’t procrastinate now. Mingyu was the only person left, aside from Minghao and Junhui. Which made Seungkwan think, because they were doing fashion and modelling in China. That was a business, just like acting and MCing. So maybe if Seungkwan made it seem like he was a client, he could get into contact with them sooner. And maybe he could get in to see Mingyu too. 

As soon as Seungkwan got home he grabbed his laptop and started doing research. He dug up assistant numbers and company numbers, he emailed a few people. The way he saw it, if he could convince one of these agents that he absolutely needed to do a shoot with Junhui or Mingyu, then he’d get direct contact. It was a little ridiculous, and plenty convoluted, but all of their personal numbers were useless. Seungkwan had tried texting and calling all of them that morning, and from what Jeonghan had told him they were just too busy to respond to any personal calls. So if Seungkwan couldn’t get them on a personal call, then he’d get them a business call. 

It was late when Seungkwan’s phone dinged, he was hunched over his laptop, eyes falling closed. He forced them open, picking up his phone. It was an email from one of the agents for Mingyu’s company. Seungkwan opened it, a bit more awake now. 

‘Thank you for contacting us, unfortunately Kim Mingyu does not have any openings for a joint shoot at the moment. Check back in next May, thank you!’

Sincerely, the modeling agent who just crushed Seungkwan’s dreams. He collapsed backwards into his bed with a groan, how was he going to get in touch with Mingyu now? Seungkwan rubbed his eyes, letting his arms fall across his pillows with a heavy sigh once his vision was well and truly blurry. He stared at the ceiling for a while, mind just sort of rolling with thoughts and memories. Sleep was heavy in his limbs, eyelids threatening to fall shut at any second. And then a familiar face hovered at the forefront of his mind. Seungkwan blinked a few times, 

“Why do I keep letting you haunt me?” he muttered, turning over and burying his face in his pillow. Seungkwan would go to that wedding whether or not Vernon was going to be there, but if he was there...Seungkwan had no clue what he was going to do. What he was going to say. 

Seungkwan groaned loudly, voice muffled. He turned his head, half his face still mushed into his pillow. 

Seeing some of his friends again was bringing back a lot of memories. Most of which were good. But he was starting to remember some of the bad things too. Maybe specifically the fight between him and Vernon. And specifically maybe some of the things he’d screamed at him just before it all went to shit. Seungkwan’s vision was made even more blurry as tears well in his eyes. He closed them, hot tears rolling across the bridge of his nose. Disgust and bitterness filled his chest, making it tight and difficult to breathe. 

‘I hate you’ 

‘I never want to see you again’ 

‘You’re the worst’

Seungkwan choked on a sob, curling up tight and clutching his pillow. He remembered so clearly the look on Vernon’s face, the sheer heartbreak and pain. And then the cold anger before he left. Seungkwan remembered it clearly that the old wound in his heart began to ache terribly. 

‘I’m sorry you wasted so much time on me’ 

‘I won’t bother you again’ 

And then deafening silence. Silence that was filled with Seungkwan’s quiet sobbing. But he wasn’t in that crowded dorm anymore, he was here. In a cold bed with nothing to show for the time he’d spent apart from everyone who cared about him. Seungkwan took a deep, shuddering breath. A heavy sob followed it. He was here and he missed Vernon...he missed him. And Seungkwan could never tell anyone, he had to lock it away again. He had to fix that stupid box with the stupid ribbon again. He had to, because if he didn’t he’d run away again. He’d never stop running. But now that it was time to grow up he couldn’t do it alone, not like this. So he let himself cry, he let him sob and choke on his tears. He let himself remember every moment that made him fall so stupidly in love with that boy. And he let himself hurt until he was too exhausted to keep his eyes open.


End file.
